we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
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You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
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my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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