So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
