I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
