Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
