Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
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I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
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I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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