final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
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Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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