Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
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