he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
