I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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