I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
