can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
