Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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