Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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