I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
