your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
