but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize