If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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