Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
