I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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