someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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