she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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