R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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