i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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