You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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