I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
