you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
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