If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Blow job season was short but glorious.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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