we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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