Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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