Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My dad just said "fuck circus"
They are going to name an STD after you.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
