apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
