jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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