drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
