If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
