I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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