what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
