i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just cut my nipple shaving
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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