Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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