I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
