oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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