All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
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We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
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My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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