My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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