my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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