The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Life is so much better after having sex.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Terrible idea I love it
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
