atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
