You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
