i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
