new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize