The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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