Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
