Christians are straight up FREAKS
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Randomize
