Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I need water and some morals
Randomize
