I just saw a hot homeless man
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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